Prior Bands, and what they taught me.

When I first started out doing music, I was always collaborating and in a 'band'. I was always cocky and felt like because of this, I was on top of the world! What I am writing about today, is intimate in nature. It is special, looking back upon these times, what I had, and what they taught me. The reason I even broach this is to maybe show the contrast of depending on the Lord and not.

When I was 21 I had basically just started doing music. I had been to raves and dabbled in ecstacy. I was heavily influenced by trance, breakbeats and dance/club. I hung around a lot of people who were into the same things, and encouraged me to get a banging trance track done, and be an allstar! I grew a big head, for I could rest on those laurels. I could wake up everyday knowing that I was going to be an allstar. It was a sense of accomplishing nothing before I could accomplish nothing. My first collaboration musically was with a collective of false hopes and empty encouragement. Yes, they were my friends at the time, but I was fragile in my will and my soul. My relationship with the Lord was weak if not close to dead at that time, and my only drive was to make it big, as my friends fueled that desire as well. I soon realized it was tough to please everyone while also serving my self centered sensibilities. At that young tender age the seed was planted. What a withering tree it would produce. AS the days passed my skills did get better and I produced a track with my buddy and his now wife. We were proud of our song and went to one radio station and tried to push it to be heard. We forced the station manager to hear and he actually seemed to like it. The receptionist who we first saw actually forced him to listen to it. We were happy and told to come back to set up a meeting. We left it at that, did not pursue it how we should, and basically let a golden oppurtunity slip by. We rested on laurels of false accomplishment. But the beautiful thing was it was a blessing in disguise, as it did provide a healthy confidence to know that potential was there. But, I never thanked God, I never prayed about the situation. The seed that was planted before was growing a toxic tree of non dependance on the Lord. As more days past me and my friend and his wife grew musically apart. We strained a bit, and they were just starting their marriage. I moved in with them and we really made a go of this music thing. It was a good experience to live with them. I enjoyed it. But, with no foundation in God, we went our seperate ways musically. We had put our foundation on sand, a false sense of control. We thought WE were going to be succesful, when all we were doing was denying God success. Our foundation was based upon money, our need for 'making it'. After a while I moved out into my own place, and we never worked on music again. We made three tracks and a bunch of not completed ones. It was the first collaboration I had with actual musicians. It was fun, and taught me a lot. Especially growing older now and the Lord blessing me with wisdom, with understanding. I see what it was for. A lesson, a teaching. A humbling memory. A way for me to realize when you do not depend on God, you fail. When you do not put God first you fail. Too broad of a statement? Those artists out there today who disregard God, have all the riches in the world, make good music from a sonic standpoint. Are they really successful? Almost all of them having so much pain and guilt, so much dillusion that they destroy their lives with drugs and alcohol. Lives filled with strife and gnashing of teeth. Is that success? Is that life? They push away Jesus, and embrace false gods of alcohol, drugs, scientific paradigms, loose love. I was that close too. I firmly beleive that if things had went different that I too would have been in the same boat. I feel blessed to know my Heavenly Father saved me from that. Teaching me lessons in growth, and convicting me of my lack of trust. Convicting me of my shyness to Jesus.

Here is the contrast now. Right before I moved in with my buddy and his wife, and semi-during the collaboration. I met another person that I would collaborate with and still do today. His name was Matt. One day my Grandma invited me to her church service, I was reluctant, but went anyway. It was during the weekday and was a dinner type service. I ended up meeting Matt there. Me and him chatted awhile, and decided to sit down and work on some music together. So we met up and he showed me some of his songs and we quickly bonded, not from the music, but both of our faith in Jesus Christ. You see, he was excellent at writing songs on the piano and guitar. I was not. I was very good at electronics and making beats, he was not. We came from two different camps. We had nothing musically in common. But, the gel between us, the bridge between our two worlds was Jesus Christ. Our fellowship. And that continues today. We had a foundation of looking to God first, and the music we trusted would come. When we meet up for musical endeavors it is the best feeling in the world, not because we are so awesome as a team, but because we are in fellowship. The Spirit of the Lord is present, and there is no denying that. Today he lives in New York, three thousand miles away. But it does not stop us from fellowshipping, showing that distance is nothing to the Almighty. The Spirit is our gel, our bridge and our saving Grace.

This leads me on, after I moved out of my buddies house, I got my own place and set up studio there. I was alone now. No collaborations. Yet, I still did not depend on God for insoiration. I was busy 'finding my sound' or 'honing my craft'. Ironically in my new place, across the street was a church, literally 100+ feet away, and I never attended it. I would always hear the service and feel God tugging me to go. I never went. I would despair from time to time. I would get depressed, I sunk myself into playing Xbox live. Never asserting myself, I was empty. I rejected the Lord's inspiration and direction. Yet, I was still loved and cared for. I was still blessed. The word blessed youll noticed is past tense. That is the awesome love of the Lord. At that time I had a good job and soon met my Ex-wife there. When we were together I met one of her friends named Dre. He was a good singer and a fantastic writer. This started another chapter in collaborations. We started together very quickly and merged our two styles togetehr. We both had Jesus in our life, but did not put him first. We worshipped each other, our skills and our product. We would end up collaborating for a good few years. We made some awesome songs, but there was always a tuggingh on my heart to use this powerful blessing God gave us to glorify him, but I was too weak to do it. Our foundation was not strong enough, it was like standing on a solid mass of glued straws, if you got on them just right you could sustain balance. But one wrong shift in the weight and it would come tumbling down. In the early stages of my collaboration with Dre, we got to add for awhile a fantastic singer and writer named Donya. She was also my Ex-wifes friend. Me, her and Dre formed a band. Donya was muslim, and had a great love for God. But there was always a disconnect in fellowship for us. She rejected Jesus. That was a huge thing when I look back upon it today and am certain one of the reasons why we all disbanded as a band. There was always a tension there, not a true fellowship. I knew the Spirit was not in her, and I stand by that today. With her rejection of Christ, our fellowship was empty and a manicin of true fellowship. Yet, I never defended Jesus like I should have. I was too weak, too shy and not putting the effort forward to love Jesus the way I should. To serve him, is the true love. Me and Dre made a lot of music together. We had a lot of good times. But the mixture of my weak faith and servitude and his issues with the Lord that would prevent him from putting Him first led us down a trail of ultimate end. The last time we talked, was earlier this year. I hope and pray for him, who knows what God has in store for us. I know now that this was another chapter in teaching from God. It has helped shape me, and show me the futility of not standing up for Jesus. I only hurt his kingdom. It grieves me today. Thinking of all the oppurtunities God gave me to be a servant, and I only was a pest. At the same time I praise the Lord for all of these times and memories. How could I learn if I hadn't failed. Will this actually make me a servant?

Another contrast. When me and Dre would work together we would go through times when we would not work with each other. A sort of repulsion to each other, like two opposite magnets. One of those times I lonmged for a collaboration with a person with God in their life. That is when God brought Lori into my life. What a true blessing she was. Her and her husband Jim were awesome people. We immediatley had an amazing bond, and a foundation in Jesus. We ended up making a whole full length album. We did end up going our own ways in the end, but the experience was a true blessing. We truly had awesome fellowship. We were blessed by the Lord, and I feel we somehow blessed the Lord. We had a short run, but it was a growing experience. It was awesome to know each other and fellowship, and any time we had was worth it.

Along the way there was mini collaborations and interactions. Musical endeavors. I feel they all were lessons from the Lord, sculpting me. Helping me get better but also realize I need to serve. Not to serve music as a lord, but serve the Lord as lord. I feel it has been a long journey that is just beginning. The Lord is beautiful.