Prior Bands, and what they taught me.

When I first started out doing music, I was always collaborating and in a 'band'. I was always cocky and felt like because of this, I was on top of the world! What I am writing about today, is intimate in nature. It is special, looking back upon these times, what I had, and what they taught me. The reason I even broach this is to maybe show the contrast of depending on the Lord and not.

When I was 21 I had basically just started doing music. I had been to raves and dabbled in ecstacy. I was heavily influenced by trance, breakbeats and dance/club. I hung around a lot of people who were into the same things, and encouraged me to get a banging trance track done, and be an allstar! I grew a big head, for I could rest on those laurels. I could wake up everyday knowing that I was going to be an allstar. It was a sense of accomplishing nothing before I could accomplish nothing. My first collaboration musically was with a collective of false hopes and empty encouragement. Yes, they were my friends at the time, but I was fragile in my will and my soul. My relationship with the Lord was weak if not close to dead at that time, and my only drive was to make it big, as my friends fueled that desire as well. I soon realized it was tough to please everyone while also serving my self centered sensibilities. At that young tender age the seed was planted. What a withering tree it would produce. AS the days passed my skills did get better and I produced a track with my buddy and his now wife. We were proud of our song and went to one radio station and tried to push it to be heard. We forced the station manager to hear and he actually seemed to like it. The receptionist who we first saw actually forced him to listen to it. We were happy and told to come back to set up a meeting. We left it at that, did not pursue it how we should, and basically let a golden oppurtunity slip by. We rested on laurels of false accomplishment. But the beautiful thing was it was a blessing in disguise, as it did provide a healthy confidence to know that potential was there. But, I never thanked God, I never prayed about the situation. The seed that was planted before was growing a toxic tree of non dependance on the Lord. As more days past me and my friend and his wife grew musically apart. We strained a bit, and they were just starting their marriage. I moved in with them and we really made a go of this music thing. It was a good experience to live with them. I enjoyed it. But, with no foundation in God, we went our seperate ways musically. We had put our foundation on sand, a false sense of control. We thought WE were going to be succesful, when all we were doing was denying God success. Our foundation was based upon money, our need for 'making it'. After a while I moved out into my own place, and we never worked on music again. We made three tracks and a bunch of not completed ones. It was the first collaboration I had with actual musicians. It was fun, and taught me a lot. Especially growing older now and the Lord blessing me with wisdom, with understanding. I see what it was for. A lesson, a teaching. A humbling memory. A way for me to realize when you do not depend on God, you fail. When you do not put God first you fail. Too broad of a statement? Those artists out there today who disregard God, have all the riches in the world, make good music from a sonic standpoint. Are they really successful? Almost all of them having so much pain and guilt, so much dillusion that they destroy their lives with drugs and alcohol. Lives filled with strife and gnashing of teeth. Is that success? Is that life? They push away Jesus, and embrace false gods of alcohol, drugs, scientific paradigms, loose love. I was that close too. I firmly beleive that if things had went different that I too would have been in the same boat. I feel blessed to know my Heavenly Father saved me from that. Teaching me lessons in growth, and convicting me of my lack of trust. Convicting me of my shyness to Jesus.

Here is the contrast now. Right before I moved in with my buddy and his wife, and semi-during the collaboration. I met another person that I would collaborate with and still do today. His name was Matt. One day my Grandma invited me to her church service, I was reluctant, but went anyway. It was during the weekday and was a dinner type service. I ended up meeting Matt there. Me and him chatted awhile, and decided to sit down and work on some music together. So we met up and he showed me some of his songs and we quickly bonded, not from the music, but both of our faith in Jesus Christ. You see, he was excellent at writing songs on the piano and guitar. I was not. I was very good at electronics and making beats, he was not. We came from two different camps. We had nothing musically in common. But, the gel between us, the bridge between our two worlds was Jesus Christ. Our fellowship. And that continues today. We had a foundation of looking to God first, and the music we trusted would come. When we meet up for musical endeavors it is the best feeling in the world, not because we are so awesome as a team, but because we are in fellowship. The Spirit of the Lord is present, and there is no denying that. Today he lives in New York, three thousand miles away. But it does not stop us from fellowshipping, showing that distance is nothing to the Almighty. The Spirit is our gel, our bridge and our saving Grace.

This leads me on, after I moved out of my buddies house, I got my own place and set up studio there. I was alone now. No collaborations. Yet, I still did not depend on God for insoiration. I was busy 'finding my sound' or 'honing my craft'. Ironically in my new place, across the street was a church, literally 100+ feet away, and I never attended it. I would always hear the service and feel God tugging me to go. I never went. I would despair from time to time. I would get depressed, I sunk myself into playing Xbox live. Never asserting myself, I was empty. I rejected the Lord's inspiration and direction. Yet, I was still loved and cared for. I was still blessed. The word blessed youll noticed is past tense. That is the awesome love of the Lord. At that time I had a good job and soon met my Ex-wife there. When we were together I met one of her friends named Dre. He was a good singer and a fantastic writer. This started another chapter in collaborations. We started together very quickly and merged our two styles togetehr. We both had Jesus in our life, but did not put him first. We worshipped each other, our skills and our product. We would end up collaborating for a good few years. We made some awesome songs, but there was always a tuggingh on my heart to use this powerful blessing God gave us to glorify him, but I was too weak to do it. Our foundation was not strong enough, it was like standing on a solid mass of glued straws, if you got on them just right you could sustain balance. But one wrong shift in the weight and it would come tumbling down. In the early stages of my collaboration with Dre, we got to add for awhile a fantastic singer and writer named Donya. She was also my Ex-wifes friend. Me, her and Dre formed a band. Donya was muslim, and had a great love for God. But there was always a disconnect in fellowship for us. She rejected Jesus. That was a huge thing when I look back upon it today and am certain one of the reasons why we all disbanded as a band. There was always a tension there, not a true fellowship. I knew the Spirit was not in her, and I stand by that today. With her rejection of Christ, our fellowship was empty and a manicin of true fellowship. Yet, I never defended Jesus like I should have. I was too weak, too shy and not putting the effort forward to love Jesus the way I should. To serve him, is the true love. Me and Dre made a lot of music together. We had a lot of good times. But the mixture of my weak faith and servitude and his issues with the Lord that would prevent him from putting Him first led us down a trail of ultimate end. The last time we talked, was earlier this year. I hope and pray for him, who knows what God has in store for us. I know now that this was another chapter in teaching from God. It has helped shape me, and show me the futility of not standing up for Jesus. I only hurt his kingdom. It grieves me today. Thinking of all the oppurtunities God gave me to be a servant, and I only was a pest. At the same time I praise the Lord for all of these times and memories. How could I learn if I hadn't failed. Will this actually make me a servant?

Another contrast. When me and Dre would work together we would go through times when we would not work with each other. A sort of repulsion to each other, like two opposite magnets. One of those times I lonmged for a collaboration with a person with God in their life. That is when God brought Lori into my life. What a true blessing she was. Her and her husband Jim were awesome people. We immediatley had an amazing bond, and a foundation in Jesus. We ended up making a whole full length album. We did end up going our own ways in the end, but the experience was a true blessing. We truly had awesome fellowship. We were blessed by the Lord, and I feel we somehow blessed the Lord. We had a short run, but it was a growing experience. It was awesome to know each other and fellowship, and any time we had was worth it.

Along the way there was mini collaborations and interactions. Musical endeavors. I feel they all were lessons from the Lord, sculpting me. Helping me get better but also realize I need to serve. Not to serve music as a lord, but serve the Lord as lord. I feel it has been a long journey that is just beginning. The Lord is beautiful.

Beautiful Summer

It is not officially summer yet. But it feels like it. I like the smell, the feel and the beauty of summer. It gets a little hot over here in sunny California, but thats ok. It kinda dawned on me this weekend, "hey, its going to get hot...". This weekend in my area it was in the late 70's/early 80's. It seemed out of the blue, which it literally was, the skies were clear! =) The Lord is good. When I am walking I will notice little things like the true vibrance in flowers, how they stand strong in the wind and in the heat, looking pretty to the touch and pleasant to the nose. I also notice all the little bugs crawling around. They really aren't all that creepy, I mean they sometimes look mean, but they are not entirely. It comes to mind that the beach is ripe for the visiting. Hopefully a lot of trips with friends can be made there. As I talk about all this I wonder truly where global warming fits in all of this? I keep hearing talk about it, we dump millions of dollars into it, and yet, the weather is pretty much the same since the 28 years I have been alive. I have been reading about studies done in Antartica where the temperature has actually gotten slightly cooler, and not warmer. Hmmm...another interesting thing I ponder about is that we are in a gas crisis, yet there is some beefy cars being made nowadays! I mean, you see that new Pontiac g8. Wow!! Also, I realize there is a lot more hybridded cars around, but errm, are they cost effective? Not everyone can afford those. I just thought with all this Global warming caused by bad emmisions, we would see more electrical cars, more affordable hybrids to stimulate growth of that technology. Also, why are we in a gas crisis? We are occupying the central source of gas. Are we raising the prices on ourselves? Sometimes I think that all these programs to raise money for Aids, cancer and any disease is just a front. How many billions have we 'invested' in these programs with no fruits. But, on the contrary, how many trillions have the pharmeceutical companies made because of no cure. Hey, I am just saying, maybe I am way off, but the proof is in the pudding, so far.

On the musical front things are going superbly, and am looking forward to finishing a next batch of songs. I am being inspired to make more electronica/energy/action. At the same time developing a live show. I have been investing in some equipment to make a live show easy, and I am confident that it will be hard, but it can be done. Also, with these additions to the arsenal I have found music making easier, and they are beneficial to just production and being ultimately creative! But, the greatest addition is the wisdom of serving the Lord, and not music. Serving the King, and not the opinions and comments. I really hope I do not flake. Lol, like a cornflake....euuughh, guess no better way to leave a blog post then with a horrible pun, joke...whatever. bye. etc.

Psalm and music progress

Working on a new album. This is a concept album. It will be called '009: Octo's Rebirth'. I am really happy so far with this album as I am doing a lot of pre production and getting intimate with each song. Also, from my main blog. A wonderful person posted that I should not be doing music for me, or for you, but for God. Meaning, that my heart should be fully worshipping and committing to God with each song. 100% effort. So, that is what I am doing as well. The mindset is like knowing that no one else will ever hear my albums, except for the Lord. Did I half step? Did I go 80% effort? So I think this album will be wild, as I just don't care about the me and you anymore. Just like with the person who wrote that comment and really sparked this new passion inside me. It is not because that person was a good person, or wise. That persons merits mean nothing, but they were used by the Lord, to teach me at the exact right time in my life to have it be the most impact. That is how awesome God is. There is a saying, '....God's mysterious ways...' I don't think God is mysterious, I think he is so awesome that our pride blinds us to his Mercy, Love and Teachings. We are so caught up in ourselves we forget about Jesus's sacrafice, and what a gift it was from the Lord. We forget and deny his very existence. Yet, when you sin, or to appease a non-beleiver 'do something wrong' do you not feel guilty? Do you not feel 'bad'? That is the Holy Spirit convicting you, the Lord himself tugging at your heartstrings to turn away from yourself and sin and beleive in Jesus. This is no game, this is no gimmick or parlor trick, this is real life spiritual 'battle'. It is from the One who loves you so much that you have a million and one chances to love him back, to give yourself to Jesus, till you die. That is not mysterious, that is awesome love from the Almighty, the only living God. There is no deception there.

psalm: care not

I don't care anymore if my music is liked, only if you are deeply touched by it. Only, if you know that I gave my all to God, and knowing that when you are touched by the music I was inspired to make, its not me, its no mystery.

I don't piddle and ponder, Lord you are too pressing. I am too weak. Yet there is solace in your grace, a roof over my iniquity.
I am just vessel filled with rotten fruits, and sour wine. I have nothing to offer but my soul, my very essence.

Your magnificent beauty is not seen by all, can I pray for them? How I pray, as I only can, I feel weak yet to pray is my only weapon.
That is never sen by another, but only everyone knew of whom I prayed for. You do know, and you bestow upon them beauty.

There is no mystery, there is no vail. You are amazing and awesome, you transform those who hate you to those who work the hardest for you. You magnify the just, and wicked, yet you have redemption for any who follow your Son, your Right Hand, your true showing of Love.

Eyes open, a mystery revealed.
Breathing in new air. New Love.

Selah

To blogger INRI(Rudy)

Thank you so much for your amazing communication with me. If you are reading this I sincerely thank you. I just today noticed your comment on my blog control panel. It seemed God made it revealed to me today to hit me with the most veracity than any other day. God truly is marvellous in his works, and ways. You are correct in what you say. And, to be honest it revealed iniquities in my heart. I truly do not/did not give all my heart to God. It is sad, but joyful also to know that I haven't. For now I want to. Not saying "I have to!" But "I want to...I really strive to".

But not just with music, with everything. Also been reading a wonderful book called The Upmost for His Highest. By Oswald Chambers. He takes a day by day approach and touches on subjects from Bible verses. He goes real in depth and talks about a lot of hard hitting things of the heart and servitude of Jesus. So to be hit left and right with learning sculpting from the Lord, it is wonderful to feel and know God at work.

It actually has been on my heart for a good while, but I always thought I was, or at least close to giving my all. But, then the Lord teaches, sculpts and refines you to worship him. Praise. Give your heart and fall in Love with Jesus.

POEMS2

&

& i always felt the simple feel of silk, it reminded me of the days in the past. the days when your only care was how long you could play outside. How hard the sun would beat down on you, or how cold it was. would I skin my knee today? would I run faster than I ever have? will the hills be green today?

& the days went by quick, they flew like a flock to their winter summer solace. then to cycle back again in a loop of events. different members, with the same results. it seemed like a prison, seems like an eternity from when i was innocent. when i was blameless.

& then i despaired, "i am trapped in a prison of timepieces and alarm clocks blaring!" "i want out, i would like to be a butterfly please, or a sly fox, or how about even an innocent husky?" days would go by my prison would get more and more fortified. the prison bars became razor blades, the alarm clocks became venomous creeping corner dwellers. the floor of my cell became flesh from which was my foundation. my one window began to shrink, narrow and slim. this was life?

& then....& now....my foolishness was and is the cell. the floor and foundation was my dependance on flesh. the creeping venom was the projected pain that was never needed. self loathing that was as necassary as a round peg in a square hole. the prison bars were always the contemplation that you could visit but not want to touch.

& now I realize how you were there the whole time, teaching me through my own cell. you taught through example. you give hope from within my own confines. you lit the world, now you hold salvation. you died so everyone could live. a superhero above all, the king of kings.

& now the cell floors are gold, the prison bars are written pillars of verses and wisdom. the creeping pain is only the brightest beacon that reminds me of forgiveness. my whole cell is a window now. my view is of a lovely kind. knowing that hope is restored. the redemption is beautiful, and sacrifice is fulfilled.

& its you. & praise.

poem

Wonder/Wander

I sometimes wonder left and right
I sometimes wander to the fight
I definately weaken and wilt without your sight
I always hold the fruit of a temptation, witholding a nibble or bite
Yea, I do bite, I sometimes devour and consume, I sometimes give in without the hint of a fight...

Yet, by grace
Yet, by love
Yet, by sacrafice

I am granted a new sight in a beautiful sunlight, I am able to wander, I am able to wonder. Yea, even ponder. All by your wonder with which you wander. You beautiful satellite.

Photos and such

Well I got about 10 pages of 15 pics each of my wonderful trip to NY done. A sorta photo album. www.t1mpmusic.com/albany1.html . A lot of the pictures look real nice, seems my camera is more of an outside camera. When the son is shining show are the skills of the lens. Today I am going to try and get a remix of Absorptions song finally done and tomorrow a collab with Thruotin done as well. Then I need to work on my wonderful collab with my boy from the other country, Sickmoth. That NY trip threw me way behind, but it was so worth it. Hope those peeps aren't mad. I trust they are not :)

What else? Been working overtime. Here at work. Late!

April posts

Ever since I got back from New York, my spirit is filled and keeps growing. My focus in music is a lot better, and I am more dilligent. Everyday I will be doing pre-production on certain beats and what not. The pre production is more getting familiar with what I have, jamming and noodling with it. So the final laying down/recording period will be easy. I learned that from Matt, and his work ethic. It entails getting intimate with elements you are using, seeing how far they can be pushed, stretched and manipulated. What goes with what at the most oppurtune time. But taking the time to work with the elements so much that the recording is a matter of an hour and you got most of the song done. I started seeing some fruits of that last night. I have been pre-prodding with a song for the last few days and then last night recorded about 80% of it in about 10 minutes. It was easy too. Another big thing I am learning about is getting all your material that you want to use for an album done and mapped out. It seems like I am constantly preparing for music to be done but never getting it done, until last night. So I see the long labor with the sweet and bountiful fruit. I really like working this way as things seem more controlled and crafted. Instead, things would always be off the cuff, and I really think the songs I made before suffered! But, I also feel since I am closer to the Lord, that I am being blessed to craft better songs, and that is the real reason. The motive in my heart.

I am going to try and get back to writing more and poetry, it feels good, and maybe even attempt some psalms. YAY God!